I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
