There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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