I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
