Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
