Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
