dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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