fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Randomize
