I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
