Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
