she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
