some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
