I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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