why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
