The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
