I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
