Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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