watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
