btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Randomize
