I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
