Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
