I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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