I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Acid is not a monday night drug
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
