im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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