if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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