Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
