Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize