I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
they need to just BURY HIM!
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
