i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
