so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize