she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
