your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
