he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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