All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
