just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
