Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you will always have a special place in my vag
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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