cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
