I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
two words...techno handjob
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
