He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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