True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
