Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
