I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
