you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
