someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
