hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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