babies were throwing up all over the place
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
