the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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