Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
