Cold hands, warm shart.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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