I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
