I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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