If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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