just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
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