you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
