The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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