I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
