it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
