hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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