I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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