I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
